Helpful Christmas Hints Competition
As Christmas can be a very busy and stressful time for many people I've decided, just out of the goodness of my heart, to include some helpful hints to get you through the Festive Season.
Helpful Christmas Hint number #1: Are you panicking because there are only six more sleeps till Christmas? Well worry no more - the solution is in your hands! Try taking a nap every afternoon from now until the big day. Hey presto! Now there's twelve more sleeps to go and plenty of time for all those pesky last minute chores. (On the other hand, if the 25th can't come fast enough for you, then stay awake from now till Christmas Eve. Wooohooo! Only one more sleep to go!)
Now I had planned to make my Helpful Christmas Hints a regular feature over the next week but I seem to have run out of hints at number 1. Yes, the dreaded Writer's Block has got me. I often get asked what I do when I get Writer's Block. Well, I usually take one of the following courses of action.
Course of Action 1: I try to get away from the computer and give my self time to relax and free up my mind a bit. I often come up with my best ideas when I go for a long walk (highly recommended) or when I'm lying in bed at night before I go to sleep or while mowing the lawn, cleaning the house etc(although it's a little hard to be creative if you're scrubbing out a toilet bowl).
Course of Action 2 : I look glumly at the screen and say, "Well that's the end of that then. What a waste of time. Who was I kidding? I can't do this anymore. I'm no writer. I was just being a fool to myself and a burden to society. Nobody loves me 'cause I really suck!"
Generally I would recommend Course of Action 1.
Anyway I'm stuck, so I need to tap the vast creative juices of all the Insideadoggers out there. Please, send me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to ... wait on, that's something else, don't do that, we've got no room here ... instead send me your very own Helpful Christmas Hints suggestions. Just start off with a question - eg Is your old plastic tree looking tired? Are you sick of elderly relatives pinching your cheeks at Christmas? Don't know what to buy the person who has everything? - then just come up with your helpful solution.
But here's the amazingly thrilling part. The best entry as judged by an esteemed panel of Bauers will win a PRIZE! (family members & close friends may submit entries but sadly they will have no chance of being selected - not because of any perceptions of bias, but because I know how hopeless you all are). Also when the winner is announced no correspondence will be entered into - except of course if you write and disagree with our choice and we are forced to write back and say, 'Oh yeah, well you don't know anything anyway, 'cause you smell!'
So get writing! Just think, if you're the only entry you will have a 100% chance of winning! Or if only 2 people enter then your chances are ... um ... let's see ... 100 goes into 2 ... no that can't be right ... do you carry the remainder? ... no wait! What's that rule about the square on the hypotenuse? ... anyway, look, you figure it out ok.
Surprisingly the prize will be a SIGNED copy of one of MY BOOKS!!!!!!!
(Not signed by me of course. That would be just too special. Instead it will be signed by old Mrs Brimblecomble from next door who has such beautiful handwriting - although sadly her spelling is atrocious and she tends to swear. Oh and it might have to be a foreign language edition because I've got spare ones of those, so that way it wouldn't cost me anything and besides I can't read them anyway. So as long as you are fluent in Dutch, Italian, German or Korean, you'll be sweet. Oh yeah and I just remembered, some editions are slightly water damaged because they were delivered during a thunder storm but you can still read them ... especially if you know Italian ... and you're willing to skip all the pages that are stuck together.)
Excited? Well Entries close Christmas Eve at 5pm. Winner announced Christmas Day.
Finally on another matter, remember how I revealed in the first post that I was sometimes called Mickey-drippin' as a boy? Well now Em has said that her friend gets Micklepops and Kate says her dad has been burdened with Underdaks-Mickey! I just can't say that last one without laughing. Anyway it got me thinking, is it just the name 'Michael' that gets these bizarre and embarrassing mutations? Surely not. Have your parents, family or friends ever turned your name into something truly cringe-worthy in the deluded belief that it is cute or endearing? Have you done it to someone else's name. Time to hit the comment button, let go of your shame and fess up! Come on, you know you want to ...
Cheers
Michael
?
michael bauer: my name is Hannah, i actually get called Hannah Spanner.
Are you sick of your little siblings waking you up early on christmas morning because they want to open there presents ?
answer: Get up at four in the morning and go RAWW ! , you will scare the pants of them and they shall never do it again :D
Let that be a lesson to you Laura-Jayne, never put up a word challenge to the Insideadoggers!
Oh yeah. My friend used to associate my name with "Dora The Explorer."
Names Rhyming With Laura: Snorer, Dora, Flora, idk.
I can find something-
Laura Maiasaura, Laura the explorer, Laura Gnawer, etc.
Anna - That's some list! It just shows that you are a person of many facets. Either that or your family is mad.
Laura-Jayne - don't tempt me!
i get annie-pops, annie rose, annsy-wannsy, anna banana, anna goanna, anner the spanner/hammer... sigh...
Omg. I would love hot dogs with tomato sauce on Christmas Day. That's my type of meal. :D
Turkey, no. Hot dogs, yes.
cringe-worthy names -- Rude Trude, Nude Trude, Lewd Trude, and when I got older, Stewed Trude (because pickled didn't rhyme.)
Helpful Christmas hints - have a KISS (keep it simple santa) christmas - serve up hot dogs or hamburgers for lunch and tell anyone that whinges that Christmas is not about what you eat, but who you eat with.
Helpful Christmas Hint from Laura XD: Sick of buying your family presents? Once everyone has given you a present, take a nap. No one will ask you for a present because you'll be asleep. :)
Helpful Christmas Hint from Laura XD: Find it expensive (and annoying) to buy a turkey every year? Get a plastic turkey! Cheap AND reusable. Meanwhile, if you want something to eat, get something cheap like mouldy bread that the bakery was just going to throw out. Very affordable. And more money in your wallet for yourself!
Christmas is SUCH a stressful time ... but the holidays after are even MORE so ...
I didn't forget it. I've got it right here see 'y'. I just kept it to remind me of you.
You forgot the Y in my name :( *tear sniffle tear*
I'm extremely up set.
Anna: Sadly no. I made Mrs Brimblecomble and the swearing bit up. Our real next door neighbour is actually Sven Clamschiker. He breeds giant minature horses which strangely enough end up being the same size as normal horses.
Kate: Stop it, you're killing me! I laughed till I cried. Maybe your hubby could get together with Underdaks-Mickey and start a support group?
Yes Meg but don't forget Meggie-Peggie; Meggie-Moo; Mega-watti and Meg-alosaurus. If you're going to reveal your cringe-worthy secrets, you have to go the whole hog.
Helly belly's here!! Hi Aunt Helen! I get the ultimate cringe-worthy nickname of Meggles as seen in an earlier comment from the Writer in Residence, as well as Meglet (like piglet), Megsy, Meghead, Megolas (like Legolas) and my personal favourite: MEGABABE!! ...Although usually I have to pay people to call me this. xx
My hubby used to answer to the glorious appellation of "Mick ***." He was a plump young man.
Steph, Laura-Jane, Haddy-la, Laura XD, Em and Anna: Great work with the hints! I will comment on these in an upcoming blog.
Haddy-la: How about Hannah bandana or Hannah spanner for a change? How cool that your name is a palindrome though.
Steph: I think I heard a joke like that but it involved a 'squaw' and a 'hippopotamus'. Hey my wife is an ex-Maths teacher!
Em: Can you tell my family that I'm funny, I don't think I'm fully appreciated here.
Albie: A gold star for being the first to use the word 'nefarious' on Insideadog.
Helen: How come it was just us? I don't remember the other two being so burdened. Jealousy me thinks.
William: Yes I was going to say something about that! I thought you must have used your multi-techno skills to somehow permanently embed it on the page. Anyway I'm happy to share billing with you for a while (but not the royalties!) We geriatric authors like to help out the young pups every now and then. Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!
"The current writer in residence is Michael Gerard Bauer. William is the author of The Running Man, Don't Call Me Ishmael and Ishmael and the Return of the Dugongs."
they're my books now, michael! MINE!
It has been known for my name to be corrupted to 'Helly Belly' by family members, including the esteemed 'Writer in Residence!"
I can speak some German, and a little bit of Indonesian, if that helps.
I know a really good joke a maths teacher once told me that involved a war and a knight and a squire and a hypotenuse and it was not funny and only further proved that all Maths teachers, are, well, Maths teachers.
But that wasn't what I was commenting for.
Helpful Christmas Hint From Steph #1: Do not leave the carving knife out on the table at Christmas Dinner. Note: This only applies if you are a member of my family and have experienced a Steph & Co. Christmas lunch, complete with several knife-related incidents in which case your grandfather (theone with all the tattoos, not the German) may or may not end up down at the local lock-up.
Helpful Christmas Hint from Steph #2: Whilst Grandma (the one who has flabby arms, not the one who always burns the food) is going heavy on the red wine, ask for your Christmas allowance. It doesn't matter if you never get a Christmas allowance - Christmas is prime cash up time. If you play your cards right you may even be put into the will of elderly relatives.
(Don't think I really do this. I get put in their wills for my good nature and kindness *cough* liar, takes advantage of the elderly *cough*).
Helpful Christmas Hint #3
If you are worrying about gaining weight over Christmas, I suggest implementing treadmills in the places of chairs around the table (Note: may make dinner conversation awkward and cause your great aunt to go into coronary arrest).
Haddy-la: I lol'd so much at your entry. Brilliant! No, sorry, I meant doubleplusgood.
are you sick of having to buy expensive christmas presants? use the Georgian calender instead of the julian calender, that way you celebrate christmas on the 7 jan and get all the boxing day sales!
is your neighbour really called Mrs Brimblecomble? does she really swear?
laura XD i think if you executed your plan you would be rewarded with only coal in your stocking. i hear identity theft for nefarious purposes is taken quite seriously in the north pole, and you would most likely be relegated to the "naughty list" :P
You're funny, you know that? Damn right you're funny. But anyway...
*Catchy jungle plays, and a woman who's face really only belongs on radio appears on the screen*
Are you tires of actually having to write Christmas cards to ALL of your relatives? Writing up to the average of 15 cards is time consuming and energy sapping. Not to mention writing to your friends too! So here's a simple and completely doable solution!
Write a Christmas themed message on your card, along with a note: Send this card to anyone and everyone else I know!
That way, you'll only have to write ONE CARD!
*The woman smiles cheesily and holds up a Christmas card*
You'll never be hassled by sore, calloused hands from card writing ever again, EVER!
*Jingle ends, and woman winks unattractively*
You: Damn, why should I be lying on the couch watching stupid ads when could be writing a single Christmas card? I think I'll go write a Christmas card now!
T.V woman: That's the spirit, Mr. Bauer! Go write a single Christmas card today!
Ahem. I lol'd so much while reading that post.
We post our entries in the comment section, yeah?
Okay.
Question: Is your old plastic tree looking tired?
Helpful answer: Steal your neighbours' tree! Just dress up as Santa on Christmas Eve (make sure it's midnight) and slide down your neighbours' chimney. Grab their Christmas tree (and maybe some cookies and milk) and climb up the chimney. Your neighbours won't suspect a thing as they were expecting Santa anyway!
my name is hannah...its been hanny hannah banana (damn you bananas DAMN YOU) and hannah montana (damn you hannah montana DAMN YOU)
dont feel like getting people presents? come out as an athiest! its quick and easy just convert back after the new year... or dont
oh oh here's a hint don't celebrate Christmas you save money and there's less stress :)
