Definitely not Schindler's.

Jan 20,2009

by Michael Gerard Bauer

8 comment(s)

I've only been a published writer since 2004 but for some reason I feel compelled to give you all the benefit of my accumulated wisdom. So for what it's worth, here's my list of :

Ten Things I've Learnt Since Becoming an Author

1. When you give people a copy of your unpublished manuscript to read, no matter how incredibly brilliant and life-changing they might find it, they will gain even greater pleasure from pointing out to you all your spelling and typographical errors.

2. If you are invited to speak at schools don't expect to answer too many questions about your books or the writing process, but be prepared for the question, "Do you know Andy Griffiths, Paul Jennings or Morris Gleitzman?"

3. Your answer to the question, "Do you know Andy Griffiths, Paul Jennings or Morris Gleitzman?" should be, "Yes. They're my biggest fans."

4. If you are an ex-teacher and you are invited to a school to address a room full of teachers and one of them asks, "Would you like to go back to full-time teaching?" it will be considered insensitive and impolite just to laugh hysterically.

5. If you are asked to join other authors at a Book signing table, unless you really enjoy public humiliation don't sit next to people like Andy Griffiths, Paul Jennings or Morris Gleitzman.

6. If you do find yourself at a Book signing, sitting beside an author with a line of readers in front of them, which apart from the Great Wall of China is the only man-made thing visible from space, then to save the aforementioned public humiliation, make sure that if anyone does happen to bring you a book to sign, you don't allow them to leave until another person turns up to replace them.

7. If by following the advice in point 6 above you inadvertently become involved in a deadly tug-of-war with a reader over their copy of your book, remember to maintain your dignity at all times. (eg the biting of a hand to get them to release their grip is generally frowned upon, except in extreme circumstances.)

8. If you have been invited to write something - a blog for example - and you decide to put together a list such as ... let's say, "Ten Things I've Learnt Since Becoming an Author" ... and you are getting towards the end and suddenly realise that you can really only think of 8 things, then just write something like this point and then leave out one of the other numbers completely and hope no-one notices.

10. Everyone has different tastes and opinions and no matter how many glowing reviews you might receive there will always be some negative ones. Don't worry. Different books appeal to different people. That's what makes human beings so wonderful and fascinating! We are all unique and special and everyone is entitled to their opinion. Even those pea-brained, insensitive, humourless, cretins, with the attention span of a hyper-active house fly who don't like your stuff.

Well that's it. Maybe there are others out there who could add to these points?

Cheers

Michael

ps Of course I should add in all seriousness, if you do get the opportunity to earn your living by writing then you should get down on your knees everyday to thank whatever deity, cosmic force, twist of fate, good fortune or stroke of dumb luck you credit for making it all possible.