The Bauer Bird

Feb 26,2012

by Barry Jonsberg

6 comment(s)

I dedicate this post to Michael Gerard Bauer, my very dear friend [dear, because every time I see him it costs me a fortune – ha! ha! Okay, never mind].

I first met Michael in 2004 at the Reading Matters conference in Melbourne. We had both been invited by the incomparable Agnes Nieuwenhuizen who, with her customary diligence, had read my first novel, The Whole Business With Kiffo and the Pitbull, and Michael’s first novel, The Running Man, and deemed them important new additions to the YA family. As you can imagine I was very nervous about my first conference. I rocked up to the hotel and the very first person I saw was … Robin Williams. I rushed over to get an autograph [as you do] and was amazed to discover that rather than a famous American comedian I was addressing an obscure Australian writer. If you don’t believe me, then check out the two pictures above right. Can you tell which is the real Robin Williams and which is the imposter? I thought not.

 I shouldn’t really have worried about my mistake, though. Apparently Michael mistook me for George Clooney and was going to ask for my autograph. Who can blame him? It’s an understandable confusion.

 The conference was wonderful and Michael and I both had a great time. During the sessions we discovered that we had many things in common:

1. We were both English teachers


2. We had both written our first novels rather late in life [Michael is now 96 years old and looking good] and at almost exactly the same time


3. We found the same things funny – pretty much everything.

This separated-at-birth feeling only became stronger when we were both short-listed, the following year, for the prestigious Children’s Book Council’s Book of the Year for Older Readers. What excitement!

 I read the other shortlisted books [trust me, it’s impossible not to check out the opposition] with a curled lip and growing anxiety [perhaps I should have used my eyes]. What was my book doing amongst these cracking titles? And then I read The Running Man. Oh dear. It was good. It was very good. I buried this thought. After all, I was in a shortlist of six. That’s a six-to-one chance, right? I buried another thought – that these odds only applied if they were drawing the winner from a hat.

 The date when the winner would be announced drew closer. I heard nothing. Then I was invited by the Northern Territory branch of the CBCA to reveal the winners at Parliament House in Darwin. Naturally, I accepted. I rocked up in the heat of a Darwin winter and was handed envelopes containing the names of the successful writers. I made a short speech and then, at the precisely pre-ordained time, opened the envelope and made my announcement: “The winner of the Older Readers’ category is Michael Gerard Bauer for his book, The Running Man.”

 Now, get this. My wife cheered! Let me repeat this. My wife cheered when it became known I hadn’t won. To be fair to her, she pointed out that it was clear at this stage that I hadn’t, since I presumably would have been in Adelaide to collect the gong, rather than sweating in Darwin. Furthermore, if I hadn’t won, and clearly I hadn’t, then it was great that Michael had, since his book was an absolute cracker.

 I agreed with this but a resounding “hmmmm…” still reverberated in my head.

 When I told my mother – my dear, sweet silver-haired old mother – that Michael had won, she replied: “Well, that’s understandable, isn’t it?” Now you know you are on a loser when your own mother finds it perfectly understandable that your book didn’t win.

 The thing is, it was understandable. The thing is, I secretly cheered myself. What I want to know is, would the entire Bauer family have cheered if I had beaten him? [Hello, Ardrie Bauer, by the way. How are you?] So Michael picked up a cheque and a rather lovely gold medallion {Bauer birds, remember, like to decorate their nests with shiny objects] and he really hasn’t stopped doing this ever since.

 Okay – now we come to the heart of this post and I am sorry it has taken so long. Do you want to know how to win major literary awards? Of course you do. And it has taken me some time to work out the secret. You see I won a major award in 2006 and although I have been shortlisted no fewer than fourteen times since, a second prize eluded me. Until I had a eureka moment that hit me with the force of a baseball bat applied to the back of the skull. The very name “Michael Gerard Bauer” is obviously sufficient to win prizes. In fact, I believe he has won awards even when he didn’t enter! So I made Michael Bauer a character in my last book, Being Here. Bugger me, it worked! I won the Queensland Premier’s Literary Award back in September for the novel. Michael was there at the ceremony – he picked up yet another award for a younger readers’ book. Of course he did.

 So, there it is. Put his name into your book and the accolades will follow, as surely as night follows day. I reckon if you made the title of your book Michael Gerard Bauer then a shortlist for the Nobel Prize for Literature is guaranteed.

 I look forward to a whole swathe of novels featuring the Bauer bird.

 By the way, if you want a good laugh then check out Michael’s hugely entertaining and informative blog, Just me rabbiting on. You might even find a post in which he says scurrilous things about me if you go to this post.